I Chose Life – But You Had Other Ideas

On June 30th, 2009 my son was diagnosed with a birth defect known as Potter’s Syndrome, or bilateral renal agenesis (absence of both kidneys.) That day we were faced with a very difficult decision, to terminate my pregnancy or to carry to term knowing we would be leaving the hospital without a baby. I decided to carry to term, put my son’s life in God’s hands, and give him everything I could. A large percentage of Potter’s babies are born alive and live anywhere from 15 minutes to a number of hours. Rhyan, however, was stillborn at 39 weeks 4 days at 10:47pm. This is a letter I wrote to him about our journey together.

Dear Rhyan,

April 7th, 2009 changed my life forever. After a trip to the emergency room I learned I was pregnant with my second child, you. I was terrified; I prayed and wondered, how on earth can I have another baby?   I was 22-years-old, I didn’t have a very good job, and I already had one child. I prayed for guidance and strength as I felt my world was crashing down around me. At that moment, I had no idea what we had in store for ourselves.

As the months passed I began to become more excited about the idea of having you. Another precious baby to hold in my arms, to watch grow, to give my undying love to. I suddenly realized I can do this; I can be a young single Mom of two. God will guide me, my family will help me, and your Daddy will be there along the way. (Even if we weren’t together.)

When it came time for our anatomy scan I was ecstatic. Finally we were going to get a good look at you; we were going to pick your name and choose your nursery decorations and go shopping. I even had your Daddy set aside money from his paycheck so we could buy you something new after we found out if you were a boy or a girl.

Your Daddy picked me up and we met with your Grandma at the doctor’s office. Oblivious as to how much this ultrasound would change our lives.

As the ultrasound technician took us back we carelessly chatted about who thought you were a boy, and who thought you were a girl. When we got into the room I had butterflies in my stomach, I was so excited I could hardly hold it in. The technician started the ultrasound and the mood suddenly changed, she didn’t talk much, she just concentrated on the screen. My heart sank to my stomach, I didn’t know what was going on, and I thought maybe she saw something was wrong. She excused herself to get the doctor. We had no idea how wrong that something was.

When the doctor came in and took the ultrasound wand I started to feel dizzy, when he started talking it seemed like a dream. No Kidneys. Not Compatible with Life. Termination. Options. Fluke. It’s all I heard, pieces, tiny pieces. I couldn’t see the room through my tears, how could this be happening. I couldn’t lose you; I wanted you, my baby.

I excused myself to the bathroom and nearly passed out on the floor. They showed us to a room where we would talk about our options. Options? I hoped with all my heart that those options would include a way for me to keep you, to raise you, just as I was raising your big sister. The doctor was callous as he explained to me that the best option would be termination because you would live long after birth if you made it that far.

I couldn’t believe my ears, this doctor wanted me to terminate because you were imperfect, and well I’d rather have you imperfect then not at all. I looked around for guidance, but I knew my answer. I told the doctor with tears and a heavy heart; “l will carry to term.”

In these situations everyone makes the best decisions for themselves and their families. I knew, in my heart, the best thing for you and I was to carry you in my womb as long as God allowed. You were safe there, and my life wasn’t as risk. I wanted to give you the best life I could, because I knew you’d be raised in the arms of Jesus.

I carried you there, in my womb until 34 weeks with no complications. At that point we were faced with another difficult decision, to induce labor early or to let nature takes its course. Again I decided to put your life in God’s hands, and I was given 5 more weeks with you.

In those months I was given with you I treasured every movement, EVERY MOMENT!

On November 29th, 2009 you were born. It was somehow the best and the worst day of my entire life. We had spent months under the impression that we would meet you alive before you left to be with Jesus, but we were wrong.

The evening of the 28th I was extremely restless, I felt something was wrong, but you gave me one good kick around 6pm and I felt a sense of relief come over me. But, for some reason, I still didn’t sleep well that night. I woke up suddenly around 6am, I knew then, you were gone. When we got to the hospital and they couldn’t find your heartbeat on the monitor, it just confirmed what I already knew.

You were born sleeping at 10:47pm; a beautiful little boy with strawberry blonde hair. Seeing you for the first time gave me an overwhelming sense of pride. My first born son, and what a wonderful son you are. You showed me that strength is something you never know you have until you’re in the position to use it, and you gave me more strength then I can adequately express in words.

My life has been forever changed by the decisions made at the ultrasound, but I will never regret it. Every decision I made with your best interest in mind, I wanted to hold on to you forever, but you had other ideas. You are, and forever will be, my little boy. My precious guardian angel.

Love,
Mommy