I Chose Life – I Gave My Baby Up For Adoption

My name is Jennifer and I am a birth mother. I wrote this on my son’s first birthday.  At the time I was still struggling with my guilt. I have since been set free of that. I still get sad and sometimes wish my life would have been different but that only lasts a short amount of time.   Because I think about how incredibly happy and healthy my son is.   He is the most beautiful part of me and I think about how much his parents love him. I get overwhelmed with emotion.

12/30/2005…

Positive…This can’t be..Oh my gosh..He impregnated me..Hurt..Shame..Rage..Pain..Negative feelings..all the same..Its not happening to me.  Not like this..I can’t have another baby..not like this..what to do..i pondered that question..it took me a while to accept the suggestion..that i should place you for adoption..hmm..what’s that all about..i cant give up my baby..hell no..without a doubt..your conception..was…not the right way..maybe you’ll understand that one day..i cried for you..i cried for me..i needed to give you up to set me free..if love was all you needed..here you would be..but i couldn’t be the person for you..that i wanted me to be..my heart was broken..i loved you so much..i struggled within myself..it was too much..too much guilt..too much shame..i wanted to kill myself..he was to blame..

5/11/2006…i felt your first tiny kick..i was afraid to love you while inside..it hurt me so much..but i had to put my feelings aside..i did that..to give you the best..i did that..this i no longer regret..

8/14/2006..todays the day ill meet you for the first time..todays the day you will no longer be mine..i held you in my arms and i cried uncontrollably..you looked up at me and those beautiful eyes consoled me..i knew it was time to do what was right..i knew it was time to give you to your new life..goodbye my baby i love you forever..please remember that..love your birthmother…