I Had an Abortion – The Doctor Also Sucked the Life Out of Me

Up until I was a senior in high school saving myself for marriage was VERY important. At this time in my life that was probably the only good thing I hung onto. I was a party girl, loved to hang out with friends and drink until we were so drunk that we didn’t even know where we were. Towards the end of my senior year I was at a party, very intoxicated and a much older guy who I knew date raped me. This incident made me loose total respect for myself and my body and sex became the way I got guys.
When I got to college, I didn’t stop. It really didn’t matter to me who I had sex with. I had several one night stands, many time several different partners in one week. I really thought this was how life was to be. When I look now at that point in my life I realize that God was with me then. He was keeping me safe, not me. My parents and family had no idea what I was doing, and my friends really didn’t’ either. I think now of Hebrews 13:5 “for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee”, and He didn’t he kept his promise to me since that day in Elementary school when I asked him to be my savior. I was running but God was holding on to me every step of the way.
At the end of college I had settled down a little. I had met a very nice, handsome guy at a bar, I thought this could be the person that I might actually settle down with. I was graduating from college with a job in my degree. Life was good. Until – I found out the dream guy was married and I was pregnant.
WOW- what a blow. I could not and would not tell my family. I had nowhere to turn. The only option for me was Abortion. Of course the married man offered to pay for the procedure. So I decided to take my child’s life.
I wish I would have known that when the doctor sucked my baby’s life out of me that he would also sucked the life out of me too.
For the next several years I lived in shame, anger, regret and guilt. I had managed to find a wonderful husband who loved me despite my past. We decided that we were ready to have kids and I got pregnant very quickly. I was so excited but that excitement turned to sorrow. I had a miscarriage. I just knew that God was punishing me and that I deserved this. But God eventually did bless me with two beautiful children.
On January 4, 2004 I turned in my shame, and guilt for salvation. After this I still had a very hard time forgiving myself. I knew that God had forgiven me, but I could not let go, I felt like letting go was like forgetting that I had done, and I didn’t want to forget. I had felt that God was telling me that he wanted me to open up about my abortion. I can remember thinking, “no sir, not me!”
On November 10, 2008, God opened my eyes. A very good friend had a miscarriage. I ran to her side to comfort her, not knowing that I would have to pick up her son, a 14 week old fetus. At this very point in time God opened my eyes and I realized that I need to move on, and take my story and use it for his glory.
A few months later I started a bible study called Surrendering the Secret, Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion. This study has forever changed my life.
This study helped me to accept Gods forgiveness and now instead of thinking of lost child with regret and pain, I think of him with love.
Since this study I have shared my story several times, something that I never thought I could do. Every time I share my story my heart heals. I know now that the abortion is not who I am it’s just a part of my life story, a story that is full of God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness.
My life verse is Deuteronomy 30:19, “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live”.
I choose life, not just the life of an unborn baby, but I choose life for me. A life that will be pleasing to God and in hope that one day I can help someone else choose life. I don’t ever want to forget the place God has brought me from, and as long as I can I will share my story because I believe that this if the life God has chosen for me.