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A Letter To Matthew:
When you are old enough to read this, I pray that you will understand what I went through, and that the decision I made was in both of our interests. As of right now you know someone else to be your mother, but in reality, it was I who gave birth to you. In this letter I will explain the circumstances around your birth and what led me to make the choice I made.
When I was twenty years old, I was dating a thirty year old man whom I thought the world of. I wasn’t being very careful about my sexual choices with him because I did in fact want to have a baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. He was pretty excited as well. However, about four months into my pregnancy, a man that had been helping me move and a long-time friend of mine asked me if I remembered what happened four months ago. After he asked me this, bits and pieces of the night came back to me, and I realized that he had raped me while I was too intoxicated to object. After this devastating news, (for I had little memory of the rape itself) I couldn’t just make my boyfriend at the time think that you were his child. I told my boyfriend what had happened and he told me that he didn’t care because he still loved me. Because I was so conflicted about being raped and the illegitimacy of your conception, I told him that I didn’t know whether I loved him or not although I did very very much.
After telling him this, we broke up and I was alone for the remaining four months of my pregnancy. I sat up every night, all night crying over what had happened, that I allowed this to happen. I cried over the fact that I couldn’t keep you because I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. I had no money, no job, and I was staying on my friends’ couch the whole time. I had no idea what to do. I tried looking at adoption agencies online and they almost seemed to help me. I had a family picked out on some adoption website. After a couple of months of deliberating over this family and finally deciding to have them adopt you, the agency told me that this family was looking for a bi-racial child. Crushed, there was nothing I could do but try to find another family. After looking and looking, I found a family in Washington who was looking to adopt. Everything was almost ready to go, the family was going to fly in and take you immediately after I gave birth to you. However, the agency was also supposed to help provide me with MedicAid which they never did. I was accruing bills that I had absolutely no way to pay and the agency was continuing to tell me that they were working on it, that they were getting the problem solved. When I was around seven and a half months pregnant, I finally decided that this agency wasn’t going to help me in any way, shape or form, not to mention they were going to take my child several states away from me and I would probably never see him again!
Now, I know that God works in mysterious ways, but this was just completely uncanny. My best friend happened to know of a couple that had been looking to adopt for quite some time and assured me that they would be a great family for my son. I had to see for myself though, I was beginning to become more and more worried about where you would end up and what kind of life you would be leading. My best friend arranged a meeting with this couple and I went over to their house with her pretty much expecting the worst considering nothing had been going right so far. After meeting them, I decided unequivocally that this was the family that would be absolutely perfect for you. She was a teacher, he was a lawyer, their house was beautiful and they had all the help in the world to take care of you. I was completely assured that you would be taken care of absolutely until you no longer needed care.
I went to the hospital in labor pains early morning June 28th, 2008 and two hours later you were in my arms just a quiet as can be. The family I chose for you could not believe how quickly you came! (I couldn’t either really!) When they got to the hospital you were well cleaned and comfy and immediately they started crying. They couldn’t believe how beautiful you were, and neither could I. I watched you overnight and the next day they came to take you home with them. I left the hospital feeling actually very very good about my decision and I know to this day that it was. They are absolutely wonderful to you, and provide you with the love and care that you deserve, the love and care that I could not provide. Had I not chosen adoption for you, I would never get to see that adorable little smile of yours, or know that you’re being well taken care of.
I will never regret my decision to place you in a home with a loving and wonderful family. I was the greatest decision I ever made, and I hope that you understand why I made it and why it was the best decision for both of us. I still love you, and I pray that you can forgive me for my indiscretions, but I hope that you are forever happy in your home and that you will always be loved unconditionally by this wonderful family.
Sincerely,
R.J.
