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Adoption Letter:
Rape Victim Chooses Life and Adoption for Her Daughter
God, I pray that tonight you would hold my baby close. You would love her and care for her in the way that only her mother could. Lord, help her to realize that I did not abandon her, but that I made the choice that I felt would give her the most optimistic life. Hold her close to you, and remind her that Mommy loves her. When times are tough and she blames herself for my leaving her, you be there to whisper in her ear that it wasn’t her fault. Remind her, Lord Jesus, that she and I had no say in the matter, but that we were both members who played a role in fate. Help her to remember that it is because I love her, that I gave her up.
My Dear Alix,
At times I feel guilty for the life I chose for you. It is difficult for me to sleep at night knowing that at times you feel as though I have abandoned you. I have not abandoned you though; I still love you, still want you more than ever, and still see the image of your beating heart, and you tiny feet.
The weeks after my attack, I dreaded testing to see whether or not I would be pregnant. I had the option from the very beginning to terminate any chance of pregnancy, but I chose not to. I knew that if there was the slightest spark of life inside me, it was put there for a reason. There were times I doubted that I had made the right decision, especially not knowing whether or not you were inside me. I had no idea what life I would choose for you, but I knew that even a tiny tadpole-looking baby deserved the life they had be designated. Very few people knew that I had chosen not to take the emergency contraception that the doctors had offered me.
“God doesn’t make mistakes.” People would tell me. Deep down inside I knew they were right, but I didn’t understand why God seemed so unfair. Why would a loving, just God, a God who cares about the birds in the sky and fish in the sea, allow me to be brutally attacked by a complete stranger? I had values, morals and dreams, yet in one brief moment they all seemed to vanish, leaving my broken, grim understanding of life shattered. I wondered many times if I had made the right choice, if it would matter, if I would be pregnant anyway.
When the time came for me to test, I was terrified. I second guessed my decision as the doctor drew the warm, red blood from my arm. I knew that this was it; there was no turning back. The three hours I had to wait for my results seemed to pass more like multiple life times. Eventually the doctor called my mother and I back to the examination room to give me my life changing information. I will never forget the emotionless look on his face as the words, “You’re pregnant,” came out of his mouth, followed by “but don’t worry, there are other options out there.”
My heart sank as I realized that my dreams were gone. My life wasn’t over, but it seemed like it. “I don’t want to discuss options.” I said without any feeling. “I have to keep the baby.” I sat there, a scared fourteen and a half year old girl, in shock. I don’t remember what I felt, with the exception of an overwhelming sense of numbness. ‘
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that, ready or not, I was going to be your mother. It took awhile, sure, but eventually I grew so in love with you that I was willing to sacrifice my own life to save yours.
I knew that you were inside of me, but it didn’t sink in until my first ultrasound. I went in unsure of what to expect. According to my mom it wouldn’t hurt, and she would be there to hold my hand when I needed her. They squirted a cold gel on my slightly swollen tummy and began prodding around trying to find your heart beat. Before I knew it a blob-like baby appeared on the screen with the smallest beating heart imaginable. With tears flowing from my eyes I studied the object on the screen; my beautiful little girl. It was hard to believe that something that was such a mess, such an awful experience, could be so beautiful, but the evidence was clear in front of my face.
As time passed on my tummy began to grow larger and people started to notice that I was in fact pregnant. Only a few people at school had known about me being raped, and I had hoped to keep it that way. I knew I couldn’t hide being pregnant forever, but I planned on putting it off as long as I could. When I was in my 18th week rumors started going around the school about who people thought the father was. One night we received a phone call from the principal asking your grandma if there was any way she could keep me home for my schooling, to ensure that I wasn’t a distraction or example of what was acceptable to the other students.
That night I sat in my room crying. Everything of importance to me had been stripped away; my virginity, my innocence, my friends, my dreams. I had decided that I could make life bearable, and right after I felt you kick for the very first time. It was as though you were saying, “Mommy, I’m here for you. I’m your helper. We are going to make it through this together.”
When I went in for my 21 week scan I found out that you were a girl. Joy overflowed my heart as I realized that you were my Alexis. I knew right away what I would name you because of the night you were there to comfort and help me. You are my Alexis, “helper of mankind.”
When I was around 25 weeks pregnant with you I began to get very sick. For awhile, they weren’t sure that you were going to make it. My pastor and his wife, who had been trying to have a baby for a long time, came in to pray with us; for a quick recovery and for the health of both you and me. After we were finished praying I started talking to them about you. I had done a lot of thinking and I was worried that, no matter how hard I would try, I wouldn’t be able to give you the life you deserved. I asked them if they would consider filling the role as your mother and father. They told me that they would pray about it. The next week I was released home from the hospital.
A few days after I got home, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and there was Sherry and Drew, my pastor and his wife. They told me that they felt, providing I was still comfortable with it, that they would be the loving, caring, Godly parents that I desired for my baby. They began going to scans with us, and even got to share in the experience of feeling you kick. Sherry and Drew did not cut us out of anything. They would invite the both if us to go shopping for the decorations for your room, your clothes, and your toys.
By week 35 I was feeling nervous about letting someone else raise you. I had very concrete ideas of how you were to grow up, and what you were to be exposed to. Sherry and Drew assured me that they would allow me to play an important part in your parenting. Once again I became accustomed to the idea of allowing Sherry and Drew to be your mother and father.
At 2:25am, June 24th I began to have strong contractions. I hadn’t been feeling well the day before, but I wasn’t expecting you to come early. I woke my mom and dad, called Sherry and Drew, and the six of us went to the hospital. I wasn’t ready for you, but you timed yourself well. The morning was full of uncomfortable sensations and pushing, but 6 and a half hours later (8:52am) you were born; Alexis Dawn last name, 6lbs 8oz, 19.5 inches long.
I looked into your eyes and saw the life that I thought I had lost. I began to understand why God would allow something so traumatic to happen to such a young person. More than that, I understood more clearly than ever that God does not make ANY mistakes, and that he will not give anyone more than they can handle.
My dear Alix, Mommy didn’t abandon you, she didn’t trade you, and she didn’t forget about you. Mommy loves you more than you can ever imagine, and she wants everything good for you. Mommy chose the life that she believes is the best for you, and she still gets to be a part of it. Alix, Momma liebt Sie mehr als die Welt. Das ist, warum ich das Leben wählte.
So my beloved Alix, tonight as you lay your head to rest, remember that you are loved. Remember that you are a blessing, and remember that you helped mommy find the meaning of life.
My dear baby girl, I love you more than anything else in this world.
Love,
Mumsies
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Adoption Letter:
Rape Victim Chooses Life and Places Son with a Wonderful Family in Hometown.
A Letter To Matthew:
When you are old enough to read this, I pray that you will understand what I went through, and that the decision I made was in both of our interests. As of right now you know someone else to be your mother, but in reality, it was I who gave birth to you. In this letter I will explain the circumstances around your birth and what led me to make the choice I made.
When I was twenty years old, I was dating a thirty year old man whom I thought the world of. I wasn’t being very careful about my sexual choices with him because I did in fact want to have a baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. He was pretty excited as well. However, about four months into my pregnancy, a man that had been helping me move and a long-time friend of mine asked me if I remembered what happened four months ago. After he asked me this, bits and pieces of the night came back to me, and I realized that he had raped me while I was too intoxicated to object. After this devastating news, (for I had little memory of the rape itself) I couldn’t just make my boyfriend at the time think that you were his child. I told my boyfriend what had happened and he told me that he didn’t care because he still loved me. Because I was so conflicted about being raped and the illegitimacy of your conception, I told him that I didn’t know whether I loved him or not although I did very very much.
After telling him this, we broke up and I was alone for the remaining four months of my pregnancy. I sat up every night, all night crying over what had happened, that I allowed this to happen. I cried over the fact that I couldn’t keep you because I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. I had no money, no job, and I was staying on my friends’ couch the whole time. I had no idea what to do. I tried looking at adoption agencies online and they almost seemed to help me. I had a family picked out on some adoption website. After a couple of months of deliberating over this family and finally deciding to have them adopt you, the agency told me that this family was looking for a bi-racial child. Crushed, there was nothing I could do but try to find another family. After looking and looking, I found a family in Washington who was looking to adopt. Everything was almost ready to go, the family was going to fly in and take you immediately after I gave birth to you. However, the agency was also supposed to help provide me with MedicAid which they never did. I was accruing bills that I had absolutely no way to pay and the agency was continuing to tell me that they were working on it, that they were getting the problem solved. When I was around seven and a half months pregnant, I finally decided that this agency wasn’t going to help me in any way, shape or form, not to mention they were going to take my child several states away from me and I would probably never see him again!
Now, I know that God works in mysterious ways, but this was just completely uncanny. My best friend happened to know of a couple that had been looking to adopt for quite some time and assured me that they would be a great family for my son. I had to see for myself though, I was beginning to become more and more worried about where you would end up and what kind of life you would be leading. My best friend arranged a meeting with this couple and I went over to their house with her pretty much expecting the worst considering nothing had been going right so far. After meeting them, I decided unequivocally that this was the family that would be absolutely perfect for you. She was a teacher, he was a lawyer, their house was beautiful and they had all the help in the world to take care of you. I was completely assured that you would be taken care of absolutely until you no longer needed care.
I went to the hospital in labor pains early morning June 28th, 2008 and two hours later you were in my arms just a quiet as can be. The family I chose for you could not believe how quickly you came! (I couldn’t either really!) When they got to the hospital you were well cleaned and comfy and immediately they started crying. They couldn’t believe how beautiful you were, and neither could I. I watched you overnight and the next day they came to take you home with them. I left the hospital feeling actually very very good about my decision and I know to this day that it was. They are absolutely wonderful to you, and provide you with the love and care that you deserve, the love and care that I could not provide. Had I not chosen adoption for you, I would never get to see that adorable little smile of yours, or know that you’re being well taken care of.
I will never regret my decision to place you in a home with a loving and wonderful family. I was the greatest decision I ever made, and I hope that you understand why I made it and why it was the best decision for both of us. I still love you, and I pray that you can forgive me for my indiscretions, but I hope that you are forever happy in your home and that you will always be loved unconditionally by this wonderful family.
Sincerely,
R.J.
My Story – I Chose Life and Gave My Son Up For Adoption:
I was born and raised in Indiana with a big family of 8 sisters and 2 brothers. My father was a big disciplinarian. He didn’t have a very good childhood and wasn’t taught how to love. His mother and father got a divorce when he was 9 and he was sent off to boarding school. His mother was also an alcoholic and wasn’t nice to his sister, brother or him. As a result he had a lot of anger and rage built up in him. And if that wasn’t enough he was in the War World II and saw people being massacred, which made him even more messed up. My mom was raised in an environment with an older brother who was 17 years older than her who was pretty much a father figure for her since her father died when she was pretty young. They both got together and got married and had 11 children. My father wanted boys, but he had 3 girls a boy, 6 girls and then another boy. That’s when he decided to stop. My father wasn’t a patience person by any means. He became an alcoholic and had a short fuse. So my house was pretty intense most of the time. You never knew when the time bomb was going to go off and someone was going to get hit. It was either my mother or one of the children. My mother believed in staying with my father due to religious and old school upbringing. Needless to say, I didn’t live in the best environment. I can say that the children stuck together though. It was a love/hate relationship. We protected each other, but we annoyed each other also.
Us kids all went to Catholic grade schools and high schools. We were made to go to church every Sunday. I never missed a Sunday until I was eighteen years old. Between the mean nuns and my father I dared not to step out of line. I did get my share of beatings at home, but I believe that I’m a stronger person because of it. My father had control over all aspects of my life. When I was eighteen I left my parents house with my sister for the first time because my dad beat my next older sister and me. I was out for about a month and had to go back. Lastly, I moved out again, for the last time, when I was 22. I never moved back again. Between the ages of 18-22 I was like a wild animal let loose. I didn’t know how to take care of myself financially and had to learn by the school of hard knocks. I got involved with the wrong people; I drank, had sex, and experimented with drugs. Funny how God works, He had different plans for me. At the age of 22, I got pregnant. The pregnancy changed my life. It opened my eyes that I should not be living the life I was. I began to become more religious and gave my life to Christ around that time. It was the beginning of my conversion but I wasn’t quite ready to submit everything to God at that time. There were still parts of my lifestyle I enjoyed. I remember thinking, “I had waited 21 years to go to the bars I am not giving that up”, yet. At the time I found out I was pregnant, I had just moved into a home of some people I had babysat for years. They have 6 wonderful children and help me grow in my faith. When I found out I was pregnant they told me that they didn’t condone what I did, but that they loved me anyway and that I could live with them through my pregnancy. They were very supportive and loving. They helped me with the decision of what I wanted to do about my baby. They gave me opportunities to search out all my options. I went to Crisis Pregnancy Center, A Catholic Priest, a Christian Counselor, and talked to someone who had gone through an abortion and adoption. I knew right away that I was having the baby. Abortion was NOT an option. The hardest decision was if I should keep the baby or put it up for adoption. I went through 8 months of counseling and I had to step back and ask what the best was for my baby. It is hard to take yourself out of a decision, it is our selfish nature, but I had to think of my baby.
It was a hard decision, because I adored children. I want children. God blessed me with a gift for loving kids. God had given me a heart for them and them a heart for me. But, after many months of contemplation, I realized that the right decision was to give my baby up for adoption. I didn’t want to raise my son on welfare or work 80 hours a week to support him and have a childcare raise him.
This decision was very, very hard, but God gave me an inner peace about the whole decision. I really feel blessed by the entire situation. I felt God was with me through the whole pregnancy and He did not only change my life but many others by the pregnancy. The mother at the house I was staying at was going to be my coach during the labor, but she could not be there (my son was over a week late). I had to use a backup coach. The woman who was my coach had had a tubular pregnancy and had to have an abortion or she would have lost her life. It absolutely crushed her. Little did I know that due to her abortion, she had a hard time being around babies. I didn’t know any of this until after I had the baby. But by her being at the birth of my child, all the pain was released from her and let her be around children again. I really feel like this was all God’s plan. Other things happened to me during the delivery. When I got to the hospital I was lying on the bed and dropped the remote control on the floor and a beautiful cross appeared on the screen. I had my baby at St. Vincent hospital and they had a channel that you could see the hospital’s chapel. Also, when I got back to my hospital room after delivery, a woman came in and gave me a rose and said “thank you for not killing your baby it’s Right to Life Sunday”. Lastly, the greatest blessing came to my son’s new parents. They could not have children naturally but they received the little blessing that grew in my belly for 9 months. The couple that is the parents of my son, he was named Matthew (which means a gift from God), was found by a fertility doctor who was from my church. The parents took Matthew home from the hospital 2 days after he was born. They send me pictures and sometimes letters letting me know how Matthew is doing. It is nice to know that he is doing incredibly well. The letters and pictures confirm that I did the right thing. When I put Matthew up for adoption, I asked for parents who were a little older, financially stable and were Christians. I thank God every day for helping me make the right decision for my son and to give me peace about my decision. My son just turned 24. I hope someday I will see him again and we can be reunited. But, if not, I know that someday I will see him in heaven. My son is a gift from God. He not only helped change my life but many others along the way. I am proud of my decision to give Matthew up for adoption and pray that his life is filled with all of God’s blessings.
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I Was Adopted – I Love You For Giving Me Life
I am writing this as a thank you to my biological mother for placing me up for adoption.
I was born to a mother who had every reason to want to get rid of me. In fact, I’ve heard the testimony of several people that said she was going to have yet another abortion. She couldn’t afford a kid. She was too busy paying for drugs, or for her alcohol. A lot of people told her that I’d be born a retard anyways, from all the dope she was using and that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) would get me.
But, for some reason, though, I may never know, she chose to let me live, and gave me up for adoption. This decision made me love the woman who gave birth to me, even though I’ve never met her, and even though she’s made mistakes. But she gave me life.
While it was true, I was born with FAS, it has never really been that much of an issue for me. I am truly glad to be alive today. The world is a beautiful place, and because of my biological mother’s choice more lives have been positively effected.
Two year ago I adopted a child. I give her all the love that my adopted parents gave to me. But none of this would have been possible without my biological mom’s choice to let me live. I have a purpose. There is a reason I am here today.
Thank you, Mom, for choosing life. Though I have never met you, I love you for giving me life.
Love,
Filled With Promise
