Sample Stories & Letters – Chose Life

I Chose Life – It Was The Greatest Decision I Ever Made In My Life

I found out the beginning of October 2004 that my fiancé at the time was cheating on me.   I was devastated and called off the wedding.  Three weeks after leaving him I found out that I was pregnant. I thought my world was falling in; I wanted to be happy that I was pregnant but I couldn’t figure out how. Thank God, my parents were very supportive.  They even told me if I wanted to put the baby up for adoption that they would adopt it.  But still, all of these thoughts were running through my head.  How am I going to do this?  Should I keep this baby?  What is this going to do to my life?  But, it only took a few days till I came to embrace the fact that I was having a baby.  There is an internal peace when the decision is made.  The next step was deciding if my baby would grow up with two parents.  Should I get back with my ex?  That decision was tearing me up.  What is best for me vs. what is best for my baby…I just did not know.  Sadly, the spring of the following year that decision was made for me.  When I was 7 months pregnant my ex killed himself.  No one is sure why.  It was very hard to believe that he would end his life before seeing his child.  His death added additional complications.  It was also amazing to me that there were people in my family who didn’t accept my son or my decision to keep him.  It has been 5 years since he was born and they are just starting to come around.  For the life of me I will never really understand their reasoning.

For me it has become very clear, people push their beliefs on you.  They try to influence you on what they think is the easiest solution.  And often, it is the solution that impacts them the least.  But, I am so thankful I didn’t let anyone influence my decision to keep my baby.  I always thought I had to please everyone.  I realized the world will not end if I do not please everyone all the time.  In my heart I know what is right even though the right decision is not always the easy decision.    I became pregnant with my son in the fall of 2004, and not everyone was pleased that I chose to keep him.  But, it was the GREATEST decision I ever made and I will always treasure him for the rest of my life.


Letter to Our Son – You Are the Most Precious Blessing to Us

This is my first pregnancy; my husband is currently serving in the U.S. Navy. We found out we were having a baby right after we got married and only minutes before he had to leave for the duration of the pregnancy. We feel like this is our little miracle child, as we were not even sure conception was possible with us, and through my darkest moments with him being away knowing there’s a life inside of me, a part of both him and I has given me the strength to grow and become the mother God always imagined me to be.

Our Dearest Little Blueberry,
What a miracle you have become in our lives. Your mommy and daddy love you more than any words could ever truly capture. We had just celebrated the most wonderful moment in our lives, our wedding day. We were moving along, preparing for the fast approaching day that your daddy would be leaving us to serve our country. I was devastated to see him go; he’s my best friend you see. In a moment that I will never forget we found out that God had blessed us with you. You see, little one, we didn’t think we’d be able to have children. The doctor’s had told me it might be a long and painful journey. You are our miracle. It’s incredible to me how one minute you can be walking through your life feeling happy and content, and then you discover everything you previously thought made you happy paled in comparison to the joyful moment you become a parent. You have made our lives complete. The thought of what we would have ever done without you seems unimaginable. You are the most miraculous gift that God has ever blessed us with. It hasn’t been an easy road. With daddy gone, there have been some dark days, for both him and me. He loves you so much baby, every letter we receive talks about how proud he is, and how excited he is to be your papa. I hope that you always know how much he loves you, and how special you are to him, no matter how far away he may be. He’s our hero little one. You give us the strength to keep going, to be the best that we can be, for you. We have so many dreams for you sweet little baby, so many wonderful memories to make with you. We already know you sleep like me and you look like the most glorious combination of your daddy and I that we could ever have thought possible. Feeling another life inside of you, a little flutter, and a tiny kick. Knowing that you have already changed us completely and made us better, watching as you grow and change each and every day is the most incredible experience we have ever had. You have given us so much, and you fill our hearts up to the brim with love and gratitude! It is impossible not to be in awe of the power of God when you carry a life inside of you. You are the most precious blessing to us, and we cannot wait to see the amazing person you become. Thank you for being so special baby. Always know that you are surrounded by our love, and that we are thankful every single day that God gave you to us.

Mommy and Daddy


My Mom Chose Life -Thank You Mom For My Life

It is unbelievable to think that I could very easily never been here to write this letter.  When my mom went to the doctors,  they discussed with her the idea of  aborting her unborn child.  That child was me.  My mom was in bad health and they thought it would be better for her to terminate the pregnancy.   Thankfully, she selflessly chose to keep me.  She did this even though it could jeopardize her life.  From the very beginning of my life, even in her womb, she gave me all I needed.  It was not an easy pregnancy.  And, I was born three months early.   But in-spite of being premature and underweight at birth I lived.

We are both here today.  I am the newborn in the photo above.  Life is precious and awesome, and I can’t thank my mom enough for risking her life to have me.  My mom was sick and I was born as fragile as can be, but we made it.  There is always hope.  Mom thank you for giving me life.



I Chose Life – Had Emergency C-Section at 32 Weeks

I wanted all mothers who have gone through or are currently going through a complicated pregnancy to know that they are not alone!

Dear Mothers & Mother’s To Be,
My name is Stephanie Lynn! I became a mother on July 19, 2009 at the very young age of 19. I’m going to tell you the story of my pregnancy and delivery. On December 27, 2008 I had been experiencing some extreme pain that I had taken for menstrual cramping, but, shortly after began to realize that something was very wrong with me. My father took me to the emergency room where they ran some blood work and a pregnancy test. Both came back negative for anything! I left the hospital with pain medication and no answer as to what was causing the pain!

In January I fell “sick” and the pain continued. Finally, I went to my OB/GYN hoping to find out what was wrong with me! She did a pelvic exam and ordered blood work! She also ordered a sonogram and scheduled minor surgery to find out what was wrong! Pain like that was not a new experience for me, and with a strong family history, she wanted to make sure all was well!
On February 11, 2009 I went back for my sonogram; my grandmother went with me! As the sonogram began I saw the expression on my grandmother’s face change! The nurse asked me “Did you know you are pregnant?” At those words I just about lost my mind and went into a panic! She told me that I was 10 weeks and 1 day then asked me if I wanted to hear the heartbeat. I was scared, but at that point I knew what I had to do. Later that day I told my parents everything, and to my surprise they were extremely supportive of me. I suddenly felt a wave of relief. Note to Parents, support your kids. This is when we need you most.

At 18 weeks, I had asked my mother to go with me to find out the gender of my baby! After about an hour and a half of the doctor trying to move the baby, she announced, “you are having a boy”! I was immediately excited!

At 22 weeks, I went to work and started my day off as normal! But suddenly at 22 weeks, I went into labor. I was rushed to the hospital. Thank God, they were able to stop the labor! After an overnight stay, I was sent home on bed rest! But this was just the beginning of my pregnancy complications.

Many minor complications occurred up to week 32. At 32 weeks, my life would change forever. I had gone to a regular appointment, and sat in the office for about 4 hours! As soon as my doctor called me in the room and took my blood pressure. Immediately I could see something was wrong. She instantly called an ambulance to take me the one block to the hospital. I was scared and did not know what was happening, I just knew it was bad. At the hospital, I was informed that I was having complications and at 32 weeks they were going to delivery my baby. I called my sister and told her what was going on! I needed her to be my rock. It took hours to get my blood pressure manageable. It had previously been 215 over 180, which easily can be deadly! I was going to have my baby in the next 24 to 48 hours. The doctors would give me 12 hour notice so my family can be here for the birth, my parents lived 7 hours away. My mom was ready to leave as soon as the doctor gave me my twelve hours notice. So, I sent my sister home to get sleep and I tried to rest and prepare myself for my baby. Unfortunately, two hours after sending my sister home, my condition had gone from stable to deadly. Both my baby and I were in trouble and there was NO to wait! I had to have the baby now. If not neither of us would make it. I called my sister and she rushed to get back. I was alone and in serious trouble. I had begun vomiting, and was in severe pain. The doctors did there magic and worked on settling me down. They gave me a shot for the pain and nausea! Somehow, Seven minutes later, my sister was at my side and suiting up for the C-section. I was taken into a room and was tied down to the table. My sister was with me in the room. The doctors were moving fast. There was no time to waste. It took about 5 minutes, my beautiful 3 pound 7 ounce baby boy was born! But, before I got to hear him cry or even see him the doctor had to put me under because I was becoming gravely ill! I was out for three days.

My sister made sure all the memories were captured of the birth. She took lots of pictures of my little boy while I was being rolled out and before he was taken to NCIU. I had preeclampsia and things could get very very worse. My mother made it to the hospital after my surgery. That was when she got to see her first grand child. I had already picked out a “strong” name for him. His name is Xavier Raymond. It was comforting for me to know that Xavier had family looking after him while I was unable to. Finally, at three days old, I got to see my son for the first time. I was amazing and I will never forget it. All of the pain from the surgery didn’t bother anymore. He was beautiful but seeing, my very tiny baby in the incubator with many things attached to him was enough to make me fall apart. Nevertheless, in that moment I had never been so proud. What a wonderful gift. Nevertheless, we still had a long way to go. I had made it through and was released from the hospital but I was going home without Xavier. My son was in the NICU for 5 long weeks. They were the 5 longest weeks of my life, and they were the hardest most trying days of my life. But, everything turned out PERFECT. I am the mother of a very strong and healthy baby boy. He will be six months very soon. He is perfect.

As for me, well, there have been complications since the birth of my son, all of which are 100% worth it. My complications are nothing compared to the joy and love I have for Xavier.

To any mother out there who is going through something similar or questioning if you should have your baby. Know you WILL get through it. And the love you get you can NEVER imagine until you have your child in your arms.

Lastly, thanks to Saint Joseph’s Regional Medical Center of New Jersey, and the staff of the NICU! I have a very healthy baby boy!

~Stephanie L.~


My Sister’s Story – She Chose Life

I am telling the story for my sister, who passed away several years ago from an aggressive cancer.  I believe she would want others to benefit from her experiences, and I submit the letter in her honor.

My husband and I received a phone call from my Mother, whose anxious voice urged us to hurry to her home. Upon arrival we were shocked to learn my younger 16 year old sister, Judy, was pregnant and the father was a 21 year old man she had been forbidden to date due to the difference in their ages.

The family sat around the kitchen table with my tired, drained, and scared sister. We began discussing her options: marriage, no marriage but keep the baby, adoption, and abortion.

My mother sat silently as we discussed the first three options, but when abortion was mentioned she jumped out of her seat and uncharacteristically and emphatically stated that her first grandchild would not be aborted, even if she had to raise the child herself.

Judy agonized over her choices, but decided to marry and have the child. We talked with the father, asking him sensitive questions about his feelings for Judy, the baby, and their future. He appeared mature as he convinced us of his love and commitment to Judy.

Brice was born about the same time Judy would have graduated from High School. Instead of all the fun activities her friends were enjoying, Judy was washing diapers and trying to make ends meet. I wish I could say the newly weds were happily married, but they were not. They divorced when Brice was still young, but stayed friends throughout life.

Judy was forced to find work. She found a job as a waitress and Mom watched Brice. They were hard years, but Judy gained strength and maturity as she accepted her responsibilities, and worked hard for the sake of her precious son. She loved him with all her heart. In fact, we all fell totally in love with Brice, who was absolutely beautiful in every way.

Brice was certainly the center of Judy’s life, and we were delighted to see her blossom as this young little life transformed her in so many positive ways.

Judy remarried, but Brice would be Judy’s only child. She soon developed cervical cancer when Brice was young and was forced to have a hysterectomy. Having always dreamed of a large family, it was the saddest moment of her life. However, Judy gratefully realized she might never have had even Brice if circumstances had been different. What had once been seen as a disaster had turned out to be her gift from God.

Judy died relatively young of brain cancer, but not before she watched Brice marry a beautiful girl, and not before she was able to hold her grandson and then watch him grow for another five years.

Life is a series of choices, and sometimes it takes years to know whether or not we chose wisely. The timing and circumstances of her pregnancy were far from ideal, but God can make all things beautiful when we trust in Him.


Chose Life – Chose Life & Got a Miracle

Story: The Unprepared Mother To Be:

Aged 24, I finally agreed with my husband that we would consider children. Being with him since age 18 and being married the year before I finally agreed to consider the option. All my life I had stated no children. I am too selfish and have too many life plans to try to work them around a child or two. But as I became older the idea slowly grew on me. Planning our life was going to take some time since we recently moved towns and was in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I was starting university, a criminology degree to go into law enforcement and my partner was working on his resume to apply become a paramedic. A better paying job is what we needed to sustain ourselves when I had to give up work and a big savings account to accommodate the baby’s needs.

As Murphy’s Law would have it, I was late the week before my big birthday party. I planned to get tanked at one last time before becoming a responsible adult and giving up my childish fun. I lost count of how many tests I took, staring at that faint line wondering if it was a positive or my eyes playing tricks on me. A week after, I went to the doctors, sure enough I was pregnant. Shocked, I left to cry my eyes out in the car with my husband excited by concerned for me.
When I had calmed and had time to think I said “the baby is here now, so I guess the time is now.” I started taking care of myself, not lifting heavy items, taking vitamins and avoid alcohol. Weeks past by and the first ultrasound was due. Laying on the bed the woman showed me my baby for the first time. Excitement and love rushed over my body in a heartbeat, watching my baby wiggle and squirm. I had never felt like that before. A minute later I looked at the lady’s face and fear washed away the excitement and consumed my body. “What is it?” I demanded. She said in the calmest voice there’s a void in your baby’s chest next to the heart. She explained she knew nothing about what it was and just kept telling me I need to see my doctor. Yet again after leaving, I burst into tears, my baby was in trouble.

Every doctor I saw said the same thing, “I am not sure what it is, or what we need to do about it. Remaining calm was my main priority. Staying stress free was the only thing I could think of doing to help my baby. Not knowing was the worst feeling. All I wanted was someone to tell me what was wrong, to tell me how to fix it or give me something to understand, not nothing. Finally, I saw a fetal heart specialist. It was a cyst in my baby’s chest compressing the heart. The right chambers weren’t developing as they should. The response to that was we just have to wait and see. The pain of not being able to do anything for my baby was heart breaking. The cyst was bigger than my baby’s heart. Things were not getting better. Abortion popped into my mind as the hormones made my emotions over power me. Would it be kinder to end it now than to bring a suffering child into the world and put them through surgeries? One night laying in bed my husband rubbing my tummy talking to his child warmed my heart. He had not yet felt, seen or bonded with his child but yet he already loved them. That made my decision; I would soldier on for both of them. No abortion, I will push the emotional ups and downs aside and be the strong woman I am.
Finally we found out the gender, a little boy. We had hoped for a boy first, but really didn’t care either way. Knowing made him even more special as he would be the first grandson. We are keeping this baby no matter what.

Then it happened. Amazingly, the cyst started shrinking and the heart chambers are catching up. Best case was the cyst just vanishes on its own. Worst case was to drain it after birth during a small procedure. Things were suddenly looking amazing good.

At week 36 our little bundle of joy was perfect. The cyst had finally disappeared and he was a perfect size and kicking like a manic. During my checkups the doctors noticed my perfect 110/70 blood pressure had started to rise. I had also reported swelling around my ankles. Closely monitoring me meant I turned into a pin cushion for blood tests. As the time drew near my blood pressure started getting dangerously high and the swelling worse and worse. Besides the restriction of movement due to the swelling I was perfectly fine for a pregnant woman.

Week 39 was the bringer of bad news. I had pre-eclampsia. They decided to induce me since my baby was a healthy size and they wanted to prevent my condition from worsening. The day I was due to be induced my husband had awoken to find me curled up on the couch in pain. The swelling got so bad my jaw was aching from excessive blood and my head started to pound. Rushing me to the hospital at 4 am with little sleep the hospital started inducing me. The biggest concern was that I would have a seizer. The entire day I spent being poked and prodded and becoming worse every hour. Every time I managed to fall asleep the midwives would be in taking blood pressure. Doctors started medicating me for the blood pressure and monitoring my son. Well into the night I was still awake without much sleep and by this time, this healthy, fit, young woman who had never been to a hospital before, was vomiting her stomach up from the medications. Then to worsen the situation my temperature has started to rise to a dangerous level for the baby. More medication was then pumped into my body along with the other drugs.

Early the next morning with only a few hours sleep they woke me to break my waters. Connecting up another drug to my drip, I was feeling better, but not for long. My body was struggling with the lack of sleep and the over dose of drugs. To make my body suffer even more the contractions started. I can endure pain and was always a child to get back up after literally falling off the horse, but this pain was unbearable, specially being weakened so much by the drugs. Three hours later my body couldn’t handle the pain anymore. The pain had hit so hard, so fast that my body was struggling. My instincts were telling me to move and change position but I couldn’t. I was too weak and I had so many monitors strapped to me and my baby that getting out of the bed was not an option. I needed rest if I was going to give birth vaginally. I was given an epidural to ease the pain. Once the pain was minimized, I passed out. The following events became a blur. I remember voices and feeling myself being examined but nothing else.
Finally at 4:10 pm they awoke me because I was engaged and ready to push. With my husbands hand in hand, I gathered up all the strength I could muster to push. I could feel myself tearing as his shoulder became stuck and my muscles were starting to burn as the end was drawing near. Then I hear a midwife say “HE IS OUT!”
With the help of my husband, I leaned forward and saw this amazing creation lying between my legs. I was awe struck. For the first time in my life, I was speechless and the whole world seems to stand still. The tears welled up in my husband’s eyes as he finally saw his son for the first time. Holding him, I knew that all the pain, suffering and risks were worth it.

If asked if I would do it again, I would have to say yes, in a heartbeat. Looking into his big blue eyes, I can see the love and I know it was worth it. In his darkest moments I will tell him of his conquest and let him know that the two people who care most for him will fight till the end for him exactly like the day he was born.

A woman who knows your child is worth it.


We Chose Life – A Lifetime of Love in Three Days

Dear Parents,

In 2002 we were thrilled to learn that we were pregnant with our fourth child, Marissa Elizabeth. This special blessing confirmed a decision we had made prior to that pregnancy to have my husband’s vasectomy reversed. You see, shortly after the birth of our third child, we decided my husband should have a vasectomy. Several years later after coming back full force to our faith, we decided that we had made a mistake and that he should have the vasectomy reversed. So we were ecstatic about the news of the pregnancy four months after the surgery!! However, our joy turned to sorrow when we discovered in the fifth month of the pregnancy that our daughter had a genetic disorder, Trisomy 18, which meant that she would not survive. We were devastated. After learning of the news and crying together and with our families, we accepted God’s decision. It was His will, and even though we were overcome with grief, we trusted in His decision to send her for only a short while. We were asked if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy and told them that “only the Lord gives life and only He can take it.” We continued with the pregnancy but didn’t know if she would die in utero, live for an hour, a day, a month, a year.  Do we buy a crib or clothing for her? It was so difficult buying things for her knowing she might not even use them. At the same time, we made arrangements for her funeral, which we knew was inevitable. We prayed fervently, along with many, many family and friends that she would survive and be born alive so that we could hold her and tell her how much we loved her. We decided that, if we were allowed the gift of her live birth, we would provide her with comfort care only which meant that we would not subject her to any needles, testing, surgery or the like until the Lord decided to take her home. We would make her as comfortable as possible while she was with us. So after four months of anticipation and prayer, we were blessed with her live birth. She was a very fragile and tiny little 3 lbs.12 oz. baby girl – but she was alive. For three days we showered her with love, and hugs and kisses. We told her bedtime stories, and sang songs to her. We crammed a lifetime of our love into three short days. All of our family and friends came to see her. And even though we all knew she wouldn’t be staying, we knew it was God’s plan, that He had a good reason, and we trusted in it. We were honored that He had picked us to be her parents to take care of her during her brief stay. Three days after she was born, our daughter died in our arms. And though we were devastated to lose her, we share a profound joy in knowing that she is in heaven.   God gave us a life and even though it was for a short time, we will never forget her and our love for her will always be with us.

Gina & Jesse


Chose Life – Seventeen and Living in Chaos

To My Wonderful Son,

20 years ago I got a positive line on a pregnancy test. I was 17, living in pure chaos. I was having unprotected sex and not thinking about any of the consequences.
My mom had moved 40 miles away. She was starting her new life.   She left us with our father who liked his beer better than us and a young stepmother who was not my favorite person. I am pretty sure she felt the same about me.

How am I going to do this?  I was 17 years old with a little heart beating inside of me.  To make matters worse, your dad, who I thought was going to marry me, decided on another life and another lady.  I was crushed. I had no parents…no daddy for my baby…but I knew…I was going to have you.

People get strong when they need to, and thank God I did.  You were great motivation.  I was not going to raise you in my dysfunctional home…No Way.  They did not believe in me.  They told us that if I stay, I’d have to raise you exactly how they wanted.   After some unkind words and a lot of anger, we were out of there. Somehow, we pushed my dresser down the street to a neighbor’s home.  We stayed there until we got our clunker and an apartment.

I remember a feeling of loneliness and abandonment that hurt so bad. To this day it still brings me to tears. But at my darkest moments, I felt you.  I was in a tiny apartment, sad and alone and then I felt you kick. You were determined to keep me going and that kick was just what I needed.

We worked hard.  I went to school at night and got my High School diploma.  I would work as much as I could, to survive.  I remember like it was yesterday hoping for a couple dollars in tips so that I could buy a $0.99 Whopper from Burger King.  Our biggest treat during the early months of the pregnancy was sitting at “our table” eating our $0.99 Whopper.

Things started to change.  Once the shock of their daughter or friend being pregnant wore off, people started to get really excited to meet you.  My dad decided to keep us on his insurance so we could have a good doctor to deliver you.  Also, my mom started visiting me.  Your Uncle, who was only 16, gave us his Baskin Robbins pay check, which I will never forget.  I even got a call from your dad saying that he really wants to be in your life, just still not mine.  But, he started helping financially.  I was sad he did not choose to be with me, but I was thrilled for you that he choose to be with you.

On January 9th, at a birthday party, I started having contractions. At the Hospital I pushed three times and out you came. When they laid you on my chest with your big eyes, nothing else mattered. Since the day you were born I never have felt that loneliness I once felt.  You are my angel and the love of my life.  I thank God everyday for gift of you.  My life would not never be the same.  I am a mother with a wonderful son.  My beautiful baby, whose heart started to beat at my lowest point and who has brought me to the happiest place in life.  I love you for being created and for being you.




Chose Life – I Never Had Anything In My Life

Dear Mothers-To-Be,

I never had anything in my life. Since the age of thirteen I have been on my own. I lived house to house to just survive. But I could never go home. My parents were drug addicts, they were thieves and involved us kids in their crimes and my step father beat the hell out of me. I could go on and on. I had always told myself that I never wanted kids, especially the way I was raised. But at the age of sixteen, I got pregnant. Sixteen and pregnant is not how I had planned it, especially when I had no family support and the father of my baby beat me. The father got arrested shortly into my pregnancy and the little support I had in between the beatings was all but gone. But, I made it and had a beautiful child. At 18 it happened again, pregnant with the father who hit me. By the time I was 20, I had two children, I finally left my abusive boyfriend and I was on my own with two kids to feed. I did what it took to support my children. I won’t get into the details but you get my drift. I just kept fighting. Then at the age of twenty-two I met the BEST guy in the world. He saved my life and my life has never been the same. We have had six children together. My last two pregnancies have been miscarriages. I am almost thirty-two years old and I have had five children I absolutely adore. Happily, I am now 35 weeks pregnant looking forward to holding my sixth baby in my arms. I would not of had it any other way. But what a journey I have had to get to this point.

Please moms, understand that you can do this. That little life inside you will bring you more joy then you can ever imagine. I was at the bottom of the bottom and I made it. We made it. If I can do it under my circumstances, anyone can do it. Do not make the selfish choice. That little heart beat needs you, and you may not know it now but you also need that little heart beat.




Chose Life – I Had Never Felt A Love So Strong

My second day of my junior year in high school I found out I was pregnant. I was sixteen years old. I was so scared. I knew that abortion was not an option. My parents were so mad. I thought my family would turn their backs on me. My boyfriend was twenty-four. He left me. He said he wasn’t ready to be a dad. I’m only sixteen what am I supposed to do. It was going to be tough.

After the initial shock, my family supported me through my pregnancy. I lost most of my so called friends. My life wasn’t like a normal sixteen year old. I was depressed most of the pregnancy and cried a lot. I never wanted to be alone.

But, the first time I felt my son move inside me was amazing. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I knew I had him to live for.   That little movement, changed my life.

On April 5, 2005, my son was born. The first time I saw my son, he looked right at me with his big blue eyes. I had never felt a love so strong. He was my best friend, my hero, and my reason for living.

I am twenty-two now. My son is five and I am so happy I chose life. My son is my everything and he has made me into the great woman I am today. It’s not always easy but at the end of a hard day, I cuddle up next to my son and everything is better. I thank God everyday for my son!



Chose Life – It’s A Gummy Bear!

Background: The following letter is actually a paper I wrote in college only few weeks after I found out I was pregnant; it was my therapy at the time. Marley Jay is now eighteen months old and much larger than a gummy bear. It’s amazing how I read this, two years later and remember the hurt in my heart so well. The hurt I was trying to hide when this was written was actually a plea to my son’s father to forgive me, to accept my decision, and to love our son. I often wonder if I hadn’t prayed for answers, would I have been given this assignment?   Mr. Carter requested a five page essay on an object I carry, and this was my reply…

It’s A Gummy Bear!

For most, narrowing down one specific object always carried can be a frustrating task. How could I personally connect physical and mental into a single explanation of why I carry an object? Recently I had the pleasure of obtaining an item that changed everything I carry and will carry for the next fifty-nine years. On a Tuesday night, four weeks after this semester began I found myself staring at the most fearful symbol a woman can see; two pink lines. Denial vanished quickly as worry and panic overtook its place. That’s when I began to carry the heaviest load I have attempted thus far; it’s the weight of a gummy bear.
I would never describe myself as the typical girly girl. Although I pride myself in saying I own a vintage circa 1983 Fendi bag, I rarely find it necessary to carry by my side. I like knowing I have nice things to wear and great hair products, but scrubs and a pony tail feel most like home. Keys and cell phones mean little to me; my hide-a-key never moves and the sound of my ring tone is annoying. I am just as simple as simple can be. If asked two months ago, I would tell you my Marlboro Light 100’s and orange BIC were my constant physical and mental load. The few instances they were absent from my person were if I was on the way to the nearest tobacco outlet or around a fellow smoker who loved me enough to allow bumming. I had a teacher this semester say a Smokers can never quit; it’s impossible.  And I suppose he has never encountered the mentality of a woman carrying her first gummy bear. I carry many things daily, but life is dynamic and ever-changing.
When I realized three different brands of pregnancy tests could not all be false-positive, my shift in brain capacity went from treading water to gasping to keep my lips above the water line. School, work, and family were left to themselves; I had nothing more to give to the outside world. I first thought of breaking the news to the people most important to me. I carried an ordered list around for two days constantly switching number two, three, and then five; and so on. I carried a list of pros and cons. As a nurse, I know a female has three choices: to abort, adopt, or raise a child. It’s amazing how as a woman I forgot that basic fact, and somehow believed I had to narrow down a single choice from hundreds of selections. With little enthusiasm from the people who love me I found myself defending what I like to call my anti-biohazard bag mentality; could I ever have my insides vacuumed into a thick red plastic bag? Heading into my twenty-fifth year of life I am blessed to know myself well enough to rule out that option; yet I sat doing little but carrying the weight and repercussions of plan B and C.
After the mental frustrations, I moved into physical repercussions. Adding a hundred pounds of mental weight along with the hard core effects of a knocked up body exhausted me. My favorite jeans no longer zip, my body can reject any food at any given moment of the day, and most of the times I feel like my breasts need to get out of my personal space. I miss my nicotine and margarita at the end of a hard day; not to mention life without fear of taking too many Aspirin. I thought of gaining weight rapidly, my stomach reaching out for miles, my face and feet fat; knowing any man that looks at me will be recalling the John Hurt moment in Alien. It’s easy to blame pregnancy or hormones to the reason I feel weighed down; its biology. The day I let the selfish part of my why me mentality go was at my first doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago.
I was surprised to find out that most doctors would not see me until ten weeks along in my pregnancy. I had planned insurance and obstetrician choices a week after the pink lines appeared, and waiting almost a month to see a professional did little for my preparation OCD. I will admit it still lingered in my mind that until the doctor said yes I was in fact positively pregnant there was a possibility I was carrying this confusion for nothing. For a month I allowed myself to pretend that I would show up and he would explain how I naturally had a high level of HCG; then all would be well. I took my mother along with me that day, as she was one of two people who didn’t tell me I was ruining my life by not aborting this child. It was of course a reality, and the lectures of do this, don’t do that all began. I made the mistake of writing on my intake form that I was a previous smoker. Nothing made me want to have a cigarette more than being lectured about its effects after struggling with none in my life the prior weeks. I was ready to run out the door crying when the PA said she wanted to do an ultrasound for measurements and a concrete due date.
I saw a head, four nubs forming arms and legs, and a flicker of a swift heartbeat. It was my own personal gummy bear. The technician was very kind to explain all identifiable anatomy and requested I hold my breath. A Doppler popped on the screen and the rapid pounding began. In thirty seconds of not breathing, only listening, I found the weight I was carrying gently transition mentally to physically. I wasn’t emotional but I discovered the resentment I held toward a 2.36 centimeter living object had departed. I knew that was the moment I had to changeover the weight this pregnancy forced me to carry.
Surrealism cannot define the short amount of time God supplies us as humans. As of today I have twenty-eight weeks to prepare my body and mind for the challenge of parenting. I realize that ambition requires a large amount of selfishness. I began 2008 with the intention of having BSN part of my title. Little did I know MOM would be the first to come. It took a while to find my head and place it back in this game I call my life. As I write this I wonder if I’m being quick to say I’m ready to embrace it all; tomorrow may be devoted to crying. I wonder if today is the day a small part of my physiology containing responsibility will swoop in like Superman and uplift me. I carry the weight of doubt. I carry a pair of Malachi earrings; the Ancient Egyptians used this stone to ward off the evil eye off their children. I carry black and white thermal ultrasound pictures of the object I will carry for the rest of my life. I carry hope that God will not put more on me than I can handle.
I can’t explain how hard it is to commit myself to one single object, especially something I cannot see or feel; and one the size of a gummy bear. I think of the future and a chain link of worry wraps around my shoulders. I love this child and there is no doubt it will be mine, but that means taking time off school. The average cost of a child from birth to eighteen is a quarter of a million dollars. How much does a quarter million weigh? I carry the fear of superstition; by shouting this news to the world, I worry I could be jinxing my gummy bear’s chances of thriving inside of me. I carry the weight of hope; a burden that is refreshingly light.
My objective of narrowing down one object I carry seems to have failed. I carry this child physically, but for a few more months his mental weight will be the main object that stays with me. I give it my mind, my body, but most important my heart. I wonder by saying that if I am setting myself up for emptiness. I feel the love of my mother, seeing the examples, blessings, and sacrifices she has made; I carry the fear of never measuring up to her greatness. Managing to function when I give everything to something else is a lesson only a mother could teach. I carry hope, fear, excitement, confusion, optimism, and a touch of pride. I enter a new chapter in the circle of life. I make my impression on society. What defines a parent more than their child? I wonder what will define me in a year, or twenty years. I carry my child with me; everywhere I go. It is the now weight of a quarter, the size of a sugary snack, but it’s my most valuable possession. It is the object I must embrace and protect forever. Yes, it’s a gummy bear.


Chose Life – I May Be Young But I Wouldn’t Trade Him For The World

I was 15 years old at the time I became pregnant.  I never really ever thought about “safe sex.”   I was not worried, I was using birth control.  I was taking antibiotics and did not realize that if you took antibiotics and birth control the birth control may not work.  Well, the antibiotics did their job on my birth control.  I came back from my boyfriend’s house one night and was very sick.  I went right to bed but the next morning I was still sick.  I figured I had eaten something or just had a stomach cold.  I was sick almost every morning and it started to hit me.  Could I be pregnant?   I went and got a test to see if I could possibly be pregnant.

I took it as soon as I got home, the anticipation is extremely scary.  My test did not show the result till the next morning.  It was positive.   But something must be wrong with the test since it took so long to show the results.  I went and got another test and that one worked right away.  It was positive too.  I remember I woke my boyfriend up because he had stayed the night at my house.  I told him and he looked at me and just went back to sleep.  He woke up the next morning and told me about his dream.  I told him it was no dream.   I went to the doctor a couple weeks later to and they told me I was three months pregnant! Three months, I was shocked! I had no idea what to do or how I could support the baby. To be honest I was scared. I was very scared.  After I got through the part of having to tell everybody I was pregnant, things got a bit easier.  I spent time figuring out what I had to do to support the baby.  (I initially dropped out of school but am now getting my GED and am in nursing school).   I had a difficult pregnancy.  I had early contractions which stopped different meds. But they made me so sick that I would throw up anytime I ate. One time, the doctor gave me too much of the medicine and it caused me to not be able to feel my tongue or legs.  I went numb.  I stayed in the hospital off and on for three months.  But, I made it through; finally when I was 39 weeks the doctors induced my labor.  On October 19, 2009 I had a wonderful and amazing handsome little boy.  His dad and I are now living a good life and doing our best.  We love our son so much! He is the apple of my eye and I am so blessed to have my little boy! I may be young but I wouldn’t trade him for the world!


Chose Life – Loving the choice to have my child.

Story: For a year my husband and I struggled to conceive. At this point we had been married for five years. Finally, I met with my doctor to see if something was wrong. The first thing she did was instruct me on a woman’s “cycle” and how it works- in no time I was pregnant and joyful beyond description.
This child was wanted, planned and expected with great excitement and love.
I don’t recall morning sickness, mood swings or anxiety. Just MANY late-night runs to a favorite Mexican restaurant with NO COMPLAINTS by my hubbs! He was FANTASTIC! Just as anxious as I was to become a parent.
We planned, plotted out this child-to-be’s life, and bought more little clothes than any baby could ever wear. We were having our child in a Catholic hospital, so ultrasounds for the sake of gender identification were out of the question- apparently; statistics indicate that under these circumstances, more baby GIRLS ARE ABORTED, opting to try again for a boy FIRST. So, we were patient and planned unisex colors, and clothes.
Nine months later, 1/28/90 (SUERBOWL SUNDAY), at 10:04 p.m., Richard Brent Lake was born via C-section. Due to being medicated from surgery, his dad got to interact with him first. The pictures of those first moments with his dad are PRICELESS, and our now nearly 20 year old son, LOVES going through them.
Due to some twists and turns in life, this was the only child we ever had. He has been our center…our anchor. I am not known to be a “kid” person- possibly because I am one of six female siblings with UNCOUNTABLE cousins, so the fact that with each new day, I fell head over heels in love with this child was ASTONISHING TO ALL who knew me. I never anticipated loving someone so deeply or completely. He has taught me a level of giving and compassion that I had never known. He has taught me patience, kindness, and sacrifice that surprised even myself. There is not a single day that goes by without me thanking God for this precious gift. In some ways I consider my raising this kid in the manner that I did, as a sort of living repentance of the life I lived prior to making the choice to change my life and have a child. I consider his birth…truly the BEGINNING of the person I am today; led by loving someone above and beyond my selfish, self-centered self. He saved my sanity as well as my life. He proves to me daily of God’s complete and total love for me.


We Chose Life – Dr. Wanted To Offer An Alternative

As a little girl playing with my dolls, I always imagined what it would be like as an adult and a real mommy. In June 2004, my met my husband Samuel and it was love at first sight. We began dating immediately. After a year of dating, we decided to get married. A few days before the wedding, after having tests performed, my husband’s doctor said he would never father a child.  Of course, I was upset because I always had that dream of becoming a mom and being the mother of his child.  Nevertheless, we knew there were options.  We began to look into adoption.   Trying to decide if this was the right thing for us and then I got sick.  At least I thought I was sick.  Five years into our marriage my husband took me to the doctor to take care of my awful stomach flu.  Imagine my surprise when the doctor said, “It’s not the flu, you’re pregnant.”

After five years, we were pregnant?  How could we be pregnant?  We can’t get pregnant.  But, I guess nothing is impossible, and things happen when you least expect it.  After putting the thought of parenthood behind us, here we were.  It was time to shift our thought process.  We are having a baby!  We were both very quite coming home from the hospital.  I was filled with awe.  I was speechless at the fact I had a little life beginning to grow inside me.  But with all my excitement there was also plenty of worry.  We hadn’t planned this, how are we going to afford a baby now?  And perhaps the most nagging question was, “Will I make a good mom?”  Our families were thrilled with the news of a little one coming and pretty soon I found myself looking at baby clothes in the store one day, wondering pink or blue?

Things were going great until one particular doctor appointment. “We’d like to discuss some health issues with the baby and offer an alternative.”  Alternative?  Alternative for what?  Were they talking abortion? Why would they even offer that to me?  No way was I going to even consider that.  Babies are a gift, a blessing from God.   And, they are a life.  I could feel it moving inside me.  I heard the heartbeat.  Abortion, no way!  We were not even supposed to be able to have kids together.  I truly felt that if God didn’t want Samuel and I to have this baby, then I wouldn’t be pregnant.

After nine months full of ups and downs and lots of doctor appointments, we welcomed our beautiful, HEALTHY baby boy into the world. The first time I held him and he looked into my eyes, through tears I told him “we’ve been waiting for you”. Every night as I go to bed, I thank God for my blessings especially for my wonderful husband and our miracle baby. Its then that I realize I’m right where I want to be, loving my life as both a mommy and a wife.


I Chose Life – You Are God’s Lifeline to Me

I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. I had a part time job and no money in the bank. My boyfriend at the time had no job and was an addict. We lived in a rundown apartment in a bad neighborhood. My parents were devastated when they found out and offered no support. Quickly though they came around and changed their hearts. When I was 18 weeks pregnant the baby’s father beat me pretty badly. He left me there bleeding from my face and barely able to speak or even see. I called my mom crying and she like an angel came to my rescue. I moved out of there, taking the hit of now being a single mother with little money and a huge responsibility. I knew one thing though I was keeping my baby and doing what I could with what I had to keep him safe.

Dear Sweet Beautiful Little Boy,

It was a very scary day when I found out about you but I was so happy. I thought it would bring your father and I closer together but it only tore us apart. So here we are together battling each day together and doing what we can to survive.

The day you were born was a very tough day for me. I was so scared. But we had some really great cheerleaders there beside us. It was about 9:45 pm when the nurse came in and said your oxygen level was at a fatal level and they had to do something or you were going to go see your great grandfather and I wouldn’t be a mommy. So they prepped me as quickly as they could and rushed us to the delivery room. As I lay there scared and shaking I pray to God to keep safe and with me. I knew I couldn’t bare losing you too. My mom stepped in the room and they began getting you out. As the doctor held you up everyone in the room gasped. Your color was awful and you were barely breathing. You didn’t even really cry. I begged them to let me see you and they were reluctant but I did see you and at that moment my heart broke because I knew I was losing you.

As I got back to my room, your doctor came in and told me you were in an oxygen tent and that you had a collapsed lung, it was tough and go but they thought you’d be alright. That wasn’t the end though. You’d have to have surgery in a few months to repair a cleft lip. I couldn’t listen any longer. My perfect little boy wasn’t o.k. And his daddy wasn’t there to make it better.

So, the next morning I pulled myself together and made it to the NICU and there you were. Breathing, in a tent, and I touched your leg and all I could do was cry. My beautiful little miracle had made it and he was o.k.

We went home 3 days later. Little boy you will always be the light of my life and nothing you can ever do will ever change that. No matter what happens your mommy will always be here for you. I could have given you up but I knew no one could love you the way I could. I want you to know that every day you grow I love you even more. You never cease to amaze me. And I smile every time I think of you. You have so much to live for and so many people who love you. You will never understand the love I feel for you and I hope you always remain my little innocent angel. If anything was to ever happen to you I know that would be the end of me. I live only for you. You are God’s lifeline for me and I promise to do everything in my power to protect you and keep you safe. I’m always going to be here for you and I love you more than words can say.

Love always,

I Chose Life – I got pregnant at the age of 15

I got pregnant at the age of 15. This is my journey through teen romance and the beautiful blessing that had entered my life eternally.

Sweet, sweet daughter,
I was 15 years old when I fell in love with your father who was 17 at the time. I was only in the 9th grade. Not a care in the world. The biggest worry on my mind was if I was going to make it to the next grade. 10th grade did come along, and your father and I were still together. 5 months into our relationship, I became pregnant. I had just dropped out of school to jump start my future that I had planned with your dad when I found out. I was just being a careless teenager, didn’t realize how my decisions that seemed so little were really the biggest ones of my life. I wasn’t scared when I found out that I would have an unexpected blessing in 40 weeks to hold, I was thrilled. So were your maternal grandparents and your dad. I always wanted one thing in life, to be a mom. Months went by, I had a horrible pregnancy, but you always stayed healthy just not so much me. I will forever remember March 5th. That’s the day your dad had told me that he didn’t want me any longer or you. I was in the most terrifying pain I could imagine. My heart not only broke, but so did my entire being. I was 16, 5 months pregnant with a daughter and single. I focused all my time and energy on making sure that I would be the best mom I could be for you, because we are all each other would have in life. I debated on giving you up for adoption a few times, but I knew that I was chosen to raise you, nobody else. So my life turned into preparing for yours to start. I moved on, I grew up. I had finally come to face the reality that your father and I wouldn’t be together. I was content with that. My belly grew and my due date approached. A day before you were due, I went into labor and had an emergency cesarean section because you had happened to be breach. I looked at that little face and those beautiful golden-red hairs, and I told you that I loved you, I was your mom and that I would take care of you no matter what. I was crying over your little face when I held you. Pure tears
of joy. The day you were born was the day I realized that your dad did not leave me because of you, he left me for you. God new that you would only ever need me in your life and that you would have much more without him then you would with him. The greatest gift anyone could ever receive I had, and I didn’t have to share it with anybody else. I was a mother. My future was now so different then how I had planned it. My future was now beautiful and full of love and life. My Audri, you are now 18 months old and I am now 18 years old. I am still very young, but I’ve grown up overnight almost because of you. I now have opportunities that I wouldn’t have had without you. I have the opportunity of having a beautiful life. I had picked a name out for you when I was pregnant but the moment I saw you, I knew it didn’t fit who you were. I saw my future when I held you in my arms for the first time. Our future. I saw Mommy and Audri. I saw that even though I may not have thought this was how my life was going to be, I was always supposed to get pregnant at 15 and have a daughter named Audri. I saw that I was always going to be Audri’s mom and that I always had been. I knew that I was always supposed to raise you by myself. God had finished the plan for your life when I was blessed with the news of having a daughter. But He always knew, that you would be in my plan. You were written into my life, I was always going to be your mom. You are asleep now, so peacefully. Never once seeing your father, always wanting mommy. I see now how all the choices I make, no matter how small they may seem, will affect everything in my life. You are beautiful, extremely intelligent and full of energy. When your dad left, I didn’t think I was going to survive, but I did, for you. You saved my life, so I’m devoting it to you.

The person who was always going to be your mom, even before you were born.


I Chose Life – I Will Give You Everything

Before I got pregnant I was fresh out of high school and had just obtained my first “real” job. I had the whole world at my fingertips and knew everything there was to know about life, or so I thought.  I became wrapped up in a world of massive partying which consisted of five full days of binge drinking and drug use. I became an all out handful who wanted to live life to the fullest and thought I had to do everything daring at the very moment I had thought of it.

I will never forget the sunny morning of March tenth 2005 when I woke up and made a mad dash for the toilet.  This had to be the worst virus I had ever had because I had been getting sick every time I woke up for two weeks now. When I confronted my live-in boyfriend of three months, he simply laughed and said you’re probably pregnant.  I, of course told him he was crazy and went back to sleep.  However it wasn’t but a few hours before I decided to go to the store to buy a test, or four. I went home to take them and all four were positive. This was such a shock to me because I was totally immune to this sort of thing. I Natalie, could not be pregnant, after all I wasn’t married or out of college yet.  In all actuality I hadn’t even applied for college. I was not ready to be a mother, no way.  When I called my mother to ask her if she could take me to the health department, she came right over. I made an appointment for that afternoon and headed over.  I was so embarrassed having to lay on that cold hard bed and have some stranger look me over.  When all was said and done it was confirmed, I was two weeks pregnant.  I, of course cried and I do not think I stopped for a few weeks.  But when I told my boyfriend he was so happy.  He told me everything was going to be ok and I didn’t need to worry about working because he would take care of us, his family.  Well from that moment on I became a stay at home soon-to-be mom. This was the worst mistake I could ever make.  My boyfriend decided he didn’t like the responsibility of a family and I found him not coming home at night anymore, as well as having multiple women call my house during the day while he was not at home.  This was such a heart break for me because I was pregnant with his child.  In my mind I was saying why or how could he do this to me his future wife, but during all this pain my skin was boiling.
I was pregnant during the summer, so having no air in the house was miserable but I managed.  I continued to stay sick for weeks and lost a lot of weight.  I went to every doctor visit alone and most of the office people didn’t even know there was a father present.  I remember lying to them telling them he couldn’t be there because he was working.  I knew though in the back of my mind in truth, he was at her house whoever she was.  I always knew though that things were going to work out.  I just kept telling myself once the baby was born he would come around, he had to.  So you can bet it was a real shock to me when he told me he was leaving in a few weeks for Mexico, and wouldn’t be back for a month.  Where was I going to go or how was I going to pay my bills and care for my baby if he wasn’t there?  This is when I began to think of all the options I had.  I could look into an adoption agency and give my baby to someone who could give him what he needed.  Then I thought that there was no way I could carry a baby for nine months and then hand it over to some stranger.  It was at that very moment God sent me a sign.  I actually felt the butterfly feeling in my stomach and this made me decide no matter what I was going to love my baby and I would be there for it no matter what.
On June fifteenth I went to the doctor to find out the sex of my baby.  I was so excited I was five months and could now feel my baby kick.  My stomach was a pooch and I was now able to eat.  I went into the doctor’s office at 10:30 and this was the first and last time the daddy would go to another appointment with me.  When we were on the way to the doctor he stated he hoped our baby was a boy.  I was very emotional because I knew once we were finished we were going to the bus station to drop him off. When we got into the ultrasound room I was soo excited and hoped for a boy. If it was a boy he would just cancel his plans and stay. Wouldn’t he for his son? When they put the cold jelly on my belly I winced a little. When they began rolling the little camera around my baby started moving a lot making me queasy. Then they showed me the arms and legs and head. Then they said that right there, that’s the penis it’s a boy. I was so excited and I looked at my boyfriend who was smiling. I remember telling him see it’s a boy you can stay now.  It was then his eyes grew cold and he walked out of the room.  When we left there I asked why he was mad and he answered me with hate.  He said he felt like I thought he was never coming back and I thought he didn’t love us.  I lied to him of course telling him I knew he was going to come back and I knew he loved us.  Well he went to the bus station and I went to live with my mom.  My son was now my only priority.

I got a job at Taco Bell making minimum wage and walked thirty minutes to work and back every day.  I would walk thirty minutes to work every day crossing the highway as I went.  I would do this in the ninety degree weather or in the pouring down rain.  I did this for five month before I went into labor.
I was at work when the contractions started.  I remember thinking these were just those false labor things I had been feeling. I would take a person’s order then run to the back to scream. The boss told me I needed to go home and I told him no I wanted to finish my shift.  I was scared to be there working with this going on but I knew I needed the money to get out on my feet for my son.  After my shift I walked my thirty minutes home taking longer than usual because I kept having to stop to double over in pain. When I made it home I told my mom to call the doctor. I was having contractions. The doctor sent me to the hospital.
I arrived at the hospital at 9:05 pm and was placed in a delivery room. I was so scared and did not know what to expect.  His father of course never returned and I knew I had to face all this alone.  All I had in the room was my mom, sister, and cousin.  These were my rocks to lean on.  They were there that night while I endured sixteen hours of painful delivery.  During this process my son was face up and got stuck. I spent an hour and a half pushing only to find out he hadn’t even moved. I was sure we were both going to die that night. He finally was pulled out by a vacuum at 12:53 pm on November third 2005. When the doctor placed Alex in my arms I was so exhausted I couldn’t even hold him.  But I did look at him and realize that he was the most beautiful baby in the world, and even though I had messed up a lot in the past I knew this was one thing I had done right.  I had put my child first for nine months and I had no intentions of changing that.  I was going to be a single mom and a darn good one. I decided at that moment I would give my boy everything I could and would always love him whole heartedly.
It has been four wonderful years since that day and I would not change anything about the mistakes I made. Even though his father has never been in his life, I do not think my son is missing out.  He has me and I have made sure that is enough.  Before he was born I was so wrapped up in me that I couldn’t see who I had been hurting all along, my mother.  All I did was take in my life.  But now I am so wrapped up in my precious son and I give him all the love and attention I possibly can. I will always give him the love of two parents, even though it comes from one.   Alex, I love you and always will.  I thank God for you.


I Chose Life – I Walked Out Of the Abortion Clinic

Dear Mom’s Ready To Make A Choice,

On July 4, 2007 I found out I was pregnant.  I was afraid.  I was scared.  I would think how this could ever work out; I was still living with my parents and the father and I were in an on again off again relationship.   The pregnancy was a complete surprise to me.  I thought I could never have a baby.  When I was 17 I was raped and the doctors told me that I was damaged and might never be able to have kids.  I was sure I would never have one.

I started by telling my baby’s father.  When I told him, he was not excited to say the least.  He said he wasn’t ready for a baby and the best thing for me to do (because a baby would ruin my life) was to “take care of it.”  I did not know what to do but finally gave into the father.  I took weeks to decide.  I rode up to the clinic with my insides being torn in all different directions.  My mind was racing.  I waited for 2hrs on the brink of crying.  They called me in to do a sonogram to see how far along I was.  I was close to 3 months pregnant.  I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant.  They put me into another room where I waited for another 30 minutes.  I was there with a friend.  I kept talking to her about my thoughts and fears.  Deep down I realized, I didn’t want to end my baby life.  I could not go through with this.  I ended up walking out. I just couldn’t do it.  There was a feeling of joy and peace inside of me.

Now I had to face the music, but I lied.  I told the father I went through with the abortion.  But funny enough, shortly after I told him he broke up with me.  I couldn’t believe that I almost gave into him.  I almost allowed him to influence me to take my baby’s life.  I eventually text him letting him know that I never went through with the abortion.  I told him it was his choice if he wanted to be involved with his child and that I thought it was important for him to know the truth.

My son is now two years old and he is the love of my life.  He actually is the love of our life.  His father and I got married and are extremely happy together.  After all the drama, tears, and almost making the worst choice in our life, things worked out incredible.  We are in love.  And we have a great, sweet little boy.  A lot of others don’t have the support I had.  I knew that my family would band together to help me with raising my baby.  My son is better then anything my old life could have given me.  My son did not ruin my life.  He made my life fuller and better.  I know I made the right choice!  I know if you chose to keep your child you will feel the same.


A Happy Mom


I Chose Life – My Hope

My Hope

At 37 years old you’d think I would have known better than to allow myself to become pregnant by a man I barely dated for a month.  I knew better….I knew better…I KNEW BETTER! How did this happen? The mother of two, divorced at this point, was PREGNANT!?!?! Now what? How do I get through this alone? I don’t WANT to do it alone, why me, why me, why MEEEEEEEE? I’ve been ‘bad’ before, well in fact, I’ve been acting very badly lately… Newly divorced, free to be me, exploring, exploring? Yea, that’s what got me where I was…a 37 year old mother of 2, single, alone, and an absolute IDIOT!

I knew immediately there would be no abortion, I was an advocate! I had preached all my life against it. It was horrible, it was murder! It had taken me years to conceive my first two children, I was judgmental! Abortion, how selfish! Don’t they know there are couples who can’t have children? How do women allow themselves to get pregnant unplanned?? How stupid is that? Hummmm, HOW DO THEY? Look in the mirror kid!

My heart told me no abortion but my mind wrestled with the idea of how easy it would be to do. I wouldn’t have the embarrassment and shame of an unplanned pregnancy as a professional, church going woman. I wouldn’t have to figure out how in the world I was going to care for another child alone and with no financial help. How could I afford to be off work to even give birth? Who would take care of my baby as I worked to feed it? I’d always been able to stay home with my other children. DAYCARE? You must be kidding, I don’t DO DAYCARE! How do I explain this one to my preteen daughter? My body would be my own again. I could continue on with my drinking and partying and playing when my older two children were away. I don’t have time for this! Nine months of no fun??? Just make it go away!!! Who would ever marry me now? I’ll be alone forever! I found myself almost praying I’d lose the baby. Just make it go away, I promise to do better next time! I even spotted a time or two (probably from stress) and I remember almost being elated to see that blood! I was going to miscarry! Not so…

The days turned to weeks, still pregnant, my mind a muddled mess. I talked and talked and talked to my friends, they held my hand, listened as I cried, encouraged me, questioned me and literally kept me from going insane! And along the way, in a small quiet moment alone with my own craziness and fear I remembered just why it was I was such an advocate against abortion. My God, my precious Savior said it was wrong. So very wrong and not mine to take away from this world. As I pondered I recalled His promise to me and all of us sinners (no matter how horrible we act) that he will not give us more than we can handle…that promise began echoing through my mind over and over. I was not alone. There was a reason for this baby, God made this child and no matter the circumstance, HE would see me through and hold my hand like no other.

I let go of the stress of it all, the shame, the embarrassment. I allowed him to take over, He held my hand and heart on the good days and the so often, bad days. I planned Doctors appointments and an ultrasound. I remember seeing that tiny body on the screen of that ultrasound machine, as tears rolled down my face, I knew I was doing the right thing in keeping my baby. It was real and at that moment I loved that baby and fought for that baby with all my being.
There were issues with the father. He came and went from my life more than once. Lots of stress and drama surrounded him. Good days, bad days like I said. As the baby and I continued on together all I could hope to do was to protect it and offer it, if possible, a father, someday, when he got his act together.
There was one morning, after a fight with Dad; I was asleep on the couch. I awoke to one of the kids alarm clocks going off at 6 am; they’d forgotten to turn it off for the weekend. I was so sad, it was apparent the father and I wouldn’t make it together this time. As the music played on the alarm clock upstairs quietly I recognized the song ….and knew it was a special gift from above. The song was “In my daughter’s eyes” by Martina McBride. Instantly I knew I was carrying a precious baby girl. Never once after that morning did I doubt it was a girl, and she became my “Hope.”
She moved fiercely! I felt her wiggle much sooner than anyone said was possible. I had a little fighter on my hands. She acted like her momma!

My story could go on and on, I could relay all my thoughts and fears but I am sure if you’ve been in my shoes you know what they were. The reality is that I chose LIFE. Even through my fear, I chose life and I have not ever, in the last four years, regretted my choice for a moment.
God gave me a special gift in this baby girl. She is so precious and the spitting image of her Momma! Her Dad and I are now married and very happy I might add! I will always believe God sent me my little ‘surprise’ to shock me back into reality and away from my drinking and partying and back to my best profession, motherhood. I was so far astray and living for myself at others expense. God knows what he is doing, what we need, even when we think this cannot be for the best.
As my littlest baby girl’s 4th birthday draws near this week I must reflect on my story and share it in hope that maybe just one woman who is in my shoes will also choose life. God will see you through. The Bible tells us “For I know the plans I have for you….” Who are we to intervene?

Praying to end abortion…